Friday, December 30, 2011

More Sordid Tales from 2011...

Another moment of Motor City Madness the weekend. A deranged assailant stepped into a Detroit police precinct on Sunday and opened fire with a hand cannon on four officers. The gunman was killed by officers in a barrage of bullets, none of the four officers were killed or seriously injured. The true victim of this weekend warfare was a sprinkled donut that was hit by a stray bullet. A memorial service will be held at a local Dunkin' Donuts. Expected to attend are Detroit's Mayor, Police Commissioner, and a dozen of his best friends and family. The victim's cousin Chocolate Eclair could not be reached for comment.

Old News but always Good News: That tough little city across the Delaware River, Camden NJ, lost half of it's police and fire departments after negotiations between each respective union and the city fell-through. The reason for the lay-offs, Camden just doesn't have the bread. For a city that's been running on empty for forty-years to say that, you know the situation is serious. Blighted Camden's nefarious reputation for blatant, and more often than not, violent lawlessness -that's with a police department- is well known. Our in-house gypsy mystic, Cleo LeScam, has looked into her crystal ball, and the prognosis is not good. "I see a shooting, blood, and some Won-Tan soup." Basically, shit's 'bout to get raw in Camden. From where this onlooker stands, I suggest that everybody... STAY OUT OF CAMDEN, NJ!!! To those who can get-out of Camden, do yourself and your family a favor and get-out. To those who can't leave; lock you doors, batten your hatches, collect you provisions, gather-up the arsenal, muster the kinsfolk, and stay away from windows. Those streets are about to see more than their already fair share of bloodshed. To the Camden's overworked and underpaid cops with a mad-on, its pushers with more guns than fingers, and its gang-bangers on a spree; try not to hit anybody who doesn't have it coming. Funerals are just too expensive, especially when you're on welfare.

News from Libya: Protests in the North African country have turned violent. The death toll is not known precisely, as media coverage is being very restricted. Best told, the number in nearing 100. Well, I think we can all stand behind the Libyan people here. When your county's flag is just a plain green box and your oppressive ruler has a Jheri Curl, something needs to change...

News Flash: Gadhafi's son killed in NATO airstrike. Moammar Gadhafi's sixth son and four of his grandchildren were killed in a NATO air strike on the Gadhafi family compound in Libya. Gadhafi seems to be feeling the heat, as he is looking to negotiate a cease-fire with NATO. The half of Libya rebelling against him are, however, a different story. NATO officials have denied ordering Gadhafi or his family targeted in the air strikes. Then again, what does NATO know about the art of war. War is brutal. Gadhafi has shown no mercy towards his own people. His personal army has been brutalizing and killing them for months. They are, with what limited and impotent support they get from NATO, fighting back. As this whole ugly affair drags-on, and gets more shocking, bloody, and aimless, NATO is going to try and relinquish their stake in it. Why? Because NATO doesn't believe that war should involve death and destruction. Well, that's the very nature of war. When you dance the dance, you pay the piper; as Gadhafi has recently found-out. NATO is willing to throw death at him, but when you dance with darkness, with darkness you WILL dance. NATO doesn't want to deal with that simple truth. If people will die, they will die. That is war. If NATO is willing to deal death, then they must be willing to take lives, without apology.

WTRB International News Flash: Osama Bin Laden is DEAD!! After so many years, it has been confirmed that Muhammad's mad man on earth has been killed. Bin Laden was iced by an unmanned drone attack, probably somewhere between Afghanistan and Pakistan. Let's hope he died a horribly agonizing death and is suffering in Hell for ever more. For more in-depth coverage, WTRB has interviewed Bin Laden brother, Mitchell Bin Laden, a comic book collector, and ironically, a builder from Toledo, Ohio. "Osama was a cool guy in high school," said Mitchell, "everybody really liked him alot. He was even voted 'Most likely not to become a terrorist'. Then it just went down-hill, you know, man. He started smoking grass, drinking, watching Fire and Ice, running with a bad crowd." There you have it, folks; "Then it just went down-hill." After ten long years, and a hell of a body count, Osama Bin Laden, the wickedest man of our age, is dead.

WTRB News Flash: Suffolk County Beach is dumping ground of death... Gilgo Beach and it's surrounding area, a beach in Long Island, are now officially the cheapest burial plots on the Eastern Seaboard. In an investigation into a string of serial murders, the Suffolk County Sheriff's Dept, the New York State Police, and the FBI have been finding numerous body parts in various states of decay all over a Long Island Beach. The number of bodies buried in shallow graves along the coastal area may in fact number into the dozens, possibly involving different crimes, spanning over years if not decades. After several months of digging, they are still finding remains. This pile of bones started during an investigation into the disappearances of a number a women, some of who were prostitutes. It is unclear as to who the possible killer is, or even if there is more than one killer, or even if the remains found are connected to the same crimes. Given the isolated beach's proximity to the Big Apple, any number of scenarios are possible. A mad man of a spree, Mob "wet work", cult activities, or any combintation of the three or more.  All we know is that our resident mortician and necromancer, Mortimer Grimm, really wants to know where those bones are for... personal reasons.

WTRB News Flash: Smoking ban takes effect in NYC Parks and Plazas:  A new ban on smoking in parks, promenades, and plazas was put into effect today in the city that never sleeps. The bill was signed into law in February. Although it will be illegal to smoke in parks and such in NYC, the NYPD will not by any means be responsible for enforcing it, instead the burden will be on the good citizens of the Big Apple to report violators. Our question is that in NYC, a city with more than 500 murders a year and one of the highest infant mortality rates in the country is concerning itself with people smoking on the Coney Island Boardwalk. Secondly, in the city notorious for people pissing behind dumpsters, brown bagging on the subway, and getting blowjobs in the back of yellow cabs, does anybody really expect the average New Yorker to report smokers to the health department. We didn't either.

WTRB Newsflash: Edwards indicted, Jack Kevorkian dies at 83... Former presidential candidate John Edwards was indicted in a Federal court this morning for misappropriation of campaign funds. Included in the charges are the accusations that Edwards used some of the monies to hide his extramarital lover in 2008. Upon hearing the news, Edwards current wife, a blow-up by the name of "Laurel" deflated and filed for divorce. "Dr. Death" Jack Kevorkian has died at the age of 83 from a myriad of illnesses in a Detroit area hospital. And no, he did not use his own machine, Richard!!

WTRB Newsflash: Hell on Ice in Vancouver... A riot broke-out in Vancouver, Canada this past week over the defeat of the Canucks hockey team in the Stanley Cup finals. 150 were hospitalized with less than life threatening injuries and 100 others were arrested. Hehehe, if this happened in the US people would have been killed.

WTRB Newsflash: Porno OK to view at library... A Morris County woman complained after her son saw a man viewing pornography on a computer at a public library. Library officials told the woman that since it's a public library, interfering with the man's activity would be in violation of the first amendment. 

Our question is this: why would you want to look at porn in front of a room full of strangers? And even more importantly; what ever happened to taking a copy of Penthouse into the bathroom with you?

WTRB News Flash: Today's Headlines... Rupert Murdoch has official suspended his bid to buy-out British Sky Broadcasting.

The Federal Government continues to stall on debt deal... looks like gramma isn't getting her social security check. So long National Park Service.

Security Guards are NOT real law enforcement, according to a study done by the Upstairs College of Beverly Hills.
WTRB NEWSFLASH: SPREE IN NORWAY... A 32 year old man has been apprehended after a deadly bombing and shooting spree in Norway left 84 people dead on Friday. The man, a farmer, was described as being right-wing. The event was a major shock to the Northern European country were murders are uncommon and spree killings are even less common. All we here at WTRB can suggest to Norway is that they put-off firing postal workers for a while. We in America know that lesson from experience.

WTRB Newsflash: Alex Trebek stops hotel thief... A San Francisco woman pleaded Not Guilty to charges of attempted robbery in connection to a hotel robbery in the Golden Gate city. She was caught after being chased down by "Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek. He was able to catch her but suffered a ripped Achilles Tendon in the pursuit. 

"For eight-hundred. This Canadian game-show host can really kick ass? Answer. Who is Alex Trebek?"

WTRB Newsflash: Vagrant beaten to death at hands of Police... There was public outrage at a Fullerton, CA town hall meeting regarding the alleged beating death of a 37-year-old vagrant at the hands of police officers on July 5th. The reportedly schizophrenic vagrant was stopped by Fullerton police, who searched his bag. When the man tried to run away, witnesses say that the gang of officers restrained him, tased him more than five times, then proceeded to beat him unconscious outside of the bus stop where the incident took place. The man died five days later.

The incident was reportedly recorded by one of at least 80 witnesses at the scene. The man is also said to have cried for mercy, then cried "Dad, Dad" as the six policemen beat and tortured him, leaving him a puddle of blood. All six policemen have been put on "Paid Administrative Leave" pending the results of an investigation by the District Attorney and the FBI. An enraged public has also called for the resignation the Fullerton's Chief of Police. 

All six officers could face possible state murder charges and federal civil rights violations charges if found at fault in the incident. With eighty witnesses telling the same story, video evidence, and a vengeful public; those charges seem very likely.

WTRB Newsflash: Blow-Up in Britain: The riots that began in the Tottenham section of London on Saturday night have spread across the city and the country to other major cities in England. Protests over a police shooting degenerated into a wide spread orgy of arson and larceny as lecherous looters and wild youths cut a path of frenzied, senseless, and uncontrollable destruction and violence across the city. Hundreds have been arrested, hundreds injured, and riot police routed. British PM, David Cameron has promised hard and heavy action to quell the mayhem. 

Most tragically, a biscuit and a cup of Earl Grey were killed by a hungry bobby. When asked to comment about the deaths, Folgers, the tea's American cousin had this to say, "It's a tragedy, a real tragedy, why'd he have to die like that. Cousin Earl was just in the wrong place at the wrong time." "Just in the wrong place at the wrong time..." perhaps the defining line for the turmoil of 2011.

WTRB Newsflash: Libya Libre... After days of fighting and swift victories, Libyan rebels have taken most of Tripoli, the capital city of the Middle-Eastern country, and former seat of power for Moammar Gaddafi and his regime. 

First fell the outer suburbs, which willingly and gleefully handed themselves over to rebel forces. As the Rebel Army moved more and more into to city, the fighting grew more intense as Gaddafi, who has yet to be found, fled the city, and the remainents of his forces continued to battled rebels in a last-ditch effort to defend the city. 

Eventually the rebels broke-through building-to-building combat and sniper fire, reaching Gaddafi's compound, which for months had been attacked over and over by NATO air sorties. After a long battle, the rebel finally took the compound and proceeded to loot it. The battle is not quiet over yet, as final vestiges of Gaddafi support hold a hotel and continue attacks on Tripoli's international airport.

Despite months of brutal fighting, heavy casualties, and in this battle alone, at least 1300 dead, and many more wounded, the atmosphere amongst the rebels and the population of Tripoli seems to be one of celebration and relief as the 42-year-reign of Moammar Gaddafi comes to a final and undignified end.

WTRB Newsflash: Scavengers love Irene...  
Monroe, New Jersey is cracking down on scavengers looking through discarded goods in the wake of Hurricane Irene. Police have stepped-up enforcement at the behest of residents who want to protect their unwanted garbage. 

Why let somebody take that unwanted couch off your lawn when you can just as easily let it rot and fester for months. Gotta love Jerseyites; they hate guns but they love smelly, water damaged piles of old crap.

WTRB Newsflash: Kids in Koffins... A Scanton, Pennsylvania couple is accused of forcing their eight-year-old son to sleep in a coffin as punishment. A warrant for the couple's arrest has been issued by the Lackawanna County Sheriff's Department.

To opine about sleeping in a coffin, we here at the Top Radio's Best newsroom say, don't knock it until you've tried it...

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